He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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