I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
