please come you make the beer taste better
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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