I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
wrigley field is MILF paradise
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
