I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
