i just had sex bonerless
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
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My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
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I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I wear drunk well.
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