Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
