I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
