I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize