Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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