thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
