What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Randomize
