I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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