Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Randomize
