i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
