I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
