we're chasing vodka with high fives
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
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