That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
