I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
