I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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