So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
