Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
It's never too late to be topless.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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