How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
where am i from again
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
