My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
