My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
