Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
