Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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