update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
