Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Randomize
