omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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