Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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