I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
