I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
