and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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