im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
