the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
