Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
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