You work out of a Hotel?
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
