didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
