Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
