Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
