what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
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This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
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Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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