i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
