I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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