and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
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