Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
