Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
