Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I just made out with a guy for $7.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
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the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
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I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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