I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
