I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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