I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
This show inspires me to have sex in space
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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