Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
