someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
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