yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
