Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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